Experiencing a miscarriage, though common, isn’t often openly discussed. And when it is, it tends to be burdened by blame and taboos. In a world of societal pressures, understanding the grief associated with this experience calls for greater awareness.
Breaking the silence on miscarriage
In a society that prioritises perfection, even a slight crack in the glass is frowned upon. Common taboos often dictate standard living. However, as younger generations become more aware of their rights, taboo topics are becoming open for discussion.
One such unspoken taboo is the experience of miscarriage by women. The sad loss of a foetus often results in its mother being unfairly blamed. Most recently, Melissa Kung took to social media to share her miscarriage journey, titled “Breaking the Silence and Embracing Healing”.
By shedding light on this dreaded topic, she brings attention to the heartbreak of losing a child, a pain often kept hidden.
“Miscarriage is a journey fraught with emotions, often shrouded in silence due to societal taboos or personal embarrassment. But today, I choose to speak up for the countless women who have experienced this pain,” she wrote.
On March 11, Kung found out that she was five weeks pregnant with her second child. Diagnosed with Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS), she was shocked by the discovery. However, a month later, they found that the foetus’ heart was no longer beating.
“On April 14, when I woke up to pass urine, I noticed some sediment that looked like sandy particles, in my urine, probably about a few specks of it, so I went to a family clinic to have it checked.”
After running a urinary examination, Kung’s urine was found to have protein and blood, indicating a urinary tract infection.
“We also did a scan, and the doctor said she couldn’t see any heartbeat. I was immediately referred to a specialist who confirmed my miscarriage,” she told New Sarawak Tribune.
The initial feeling of loss
Once she was confirmed to have a miscarriage, Kung felt deeply emotional, and the experience was challenging.
“After it was concluded that I lost my baby, a wave of emotions just gushed through me, including sadness, grief, guilt, and confusion. I waited for a week to let my miscarriage happen naturally, but it didn’t. During that time, I was questioning if my baby was actually still alive, having that slight glimmer of hope that all was good.”
But when it didn’t happen naturally, Kung was called to return as she needed to undergo a dilation and curettage (D&C) procedure to remove tissue from inside the uterus.
“On the day of the procedure, I was wheeled into the operating theatre and while waiting, I held onto my baby bump for the last time, said a little prayer, and cried to myself,” recalled the renal nurse.
‘It can happen’
Having recounted her experiences on her Facebook account, Kung said that while sharing her miscarriage story, many had reached out with their own stories. As she read through them all, Kung felt that nobody will ever know the real struggle post-miscarriage until the mother speaks out.
“Most of them go through it alone, with their spouses, while also imposing self-blame and crying alone. I felt that this was such a pity. The grief was so bad, but some would think ‘It’s just an unborn baby. Why be sad?’.”
Wanting to raise awareness that it’s alright to grieve, Kung admitted that she was not spared from self-blame. During her grieving period, she often had thoughts that she was the reason for the miscarriage.
“Was it that exercise I did? Was it that bit of wine I skipped? Was it because I slept with the dog in bed?” — though normal thoughts, Kung encouraged women who had to go through this phase to stop blaming themselves.
The co-founder of the local environmental movement company NakedWonders added that the blaming could lead to mental trauma and even postpartum depression.
“Therefore, I want other mothers to know that they’re not alone, and it’s okay. For now, I feel at peace with everything because I prepared myself with positive thoughts and feelings.
Moving forward
Throughout the grieving period, Kung has received various forms of support from her husband, mother, mother-in-law, family, and friends. Moving forward, she learned to take her time to grieve and process her emotions. She kept herself busy and also joined a support group on the Baby Centre mobile application to learn more about her situation.
“In this process, it is important to let our feelings flow freely. Cry, let it out, scream if needed. Seek solace in the comforting presence of friends and family, as their support can work wonders.”
She also hoped that the experiences she shared could shed light on the strength and resilience of mothers everywhere.
“May it bring comfort to those who walk this path silently. Together, let us break the silence and embrace healing,” she added.
Giving support
With the wide range of emotions a mother may experience after a miscarriage, Mohamad Nazwan Mohamad Taufik, the General Manager of Dee Hati Centre For Grief, Bereavement And Trauma, explained that these emotions include shock and confusion, numbness, sadness, anger, loneliness, and guilt.
“Many people who have miscarriages keep their grief private. This is because they are afraid to tell their loved ones for fear of being blamed. Comments like ‘Was it stress?’ or ‘Did you overdo it?’ might be meant kindly, but they could feel like accusations.”
Explaining further, Nazwan shared that there is no timeline for grief following a miscarriage.
“Some may even carry it for months.”
While supporting someone who is grieving, Nazwan said that it is always important to acknowledge the person’s experiences and emotions. Listen carefully to what she wants to say and do not judge what they’re going through, he added.
“It is also helpful not to provide solutions or place blame on her or her partner. Instead, validate the feelings they are experiencing. Acknowledging the person’s experience with short, simple phrases like ‘I’m sorry’, ‘I’m here for you’, ‘Would you like to talk?,’ ‘What do you need?,’ and ‘It must have been difficult for you’ can open the door for them to begin sharing.”
Nazwan added that friends and families should refrain from giving advice and solutions unless asked.
“Those meeting someone who has just undergone a miscarriage should also avoid statements that may minimise someone’s loss or what they are going through, such as ‘At least it happened early in your pregnancy’, ‘It just wasn’t meant to be’, and ‘At least you know you can get pregnant’.”
He also said that the grief experience after a miscarriage can be just as intense as the loss of a child at any stage.
“This is often misunderstood by others who may downplay the significance due to the early stage of pregnancy. However, for the parents, a bond and future had already begun to form, making the loss deeply personal and emotionally significant.”
Not a reflection of wrongdoing
Speaking to the Timberland Hospital, Kuching’s resident consultant Obstetrician and Gynaecologist, Dr Ng Siew Eng, defines miscarriage as the loss of pregnancy before the foetus achieves viability, usually before 20 weeks of pregnancy.
“Most miscarriages are caused by chromosomal abnormalities, which means that the foetus itself is abnormal. For example, blighted ovum, which is only a simple sac, there is no foetal tissue,” said the doctor.
Sharing other causes for miscarriage, Dr Ng said that severe infections, peritonitis, high fever, or a history of trauma, for example, falling, or sometimes, it’s just idiopathic, which means that there is no demonstrable cause, can also be the case.
With almost three decades in the field, Dr Ng shared a statistic that 50 per cent of miscarriages happen at the very early stage — also known as a chemical pregnancy. This type of pregnancy can only be detected by hormone tests and urine pregnancy tests.
“When you do the scan, you can’t even see the sac. This is due to chromosomal abnormalities. Of course, once a person becomes older, the risk of getting chromosomal abnormalities is higher.”
Sharing another statistic, Dr Ng said that the risk of miscarriage for women in their early 20s is about 15 per cent. Meanwhile, for women with greater age, such as 40 years old, the risk rises to 25 per cent.
Nevertheless, the O&G specialist said that anyone can have a miscarriage.
“After a woman experiences a miscarriage, we advise her to rest more and lead a healthy lifestyle, for example, avoiding alcohol and smoking, and maintaining an ideal body weight. And then, if she intends to get pregnant, she can take folic acid supplements.”
Asked how long after a miscarriage can a woman try to get pregnant again, Dr Ng said that they can try to conceive after their normal menses return.
“What’s more important is psychological support. Maybe it’s a good idea to take some rest, discuss with her partner, and wait until she’s ready for another pregnancy. Then only she can embark on it,” she added.
ADVICE FOR MOTHERS
By Melissa Kung & Mohamad Nazwan Mohamad Taufik
- Allow yourself to grieve.
- Find a supportive healthcare provider.
- Take time off if needed.
- Express your feelings creatively.
- Lean on your support system.
- Be mindful of triggers. Certain situations can be triggering, so give yourself permission to step away if it’s overwhelming or painful.
- Educate yourself about the physical and emotional aspects of miscarriage.
- Consider joining a support group.
- Be patient with your body.
- Trust your instincts.
- Be kind to yourself when grieving — the emotions following a miscarriage are normal.
- Everyone grieves differently; there’s no set timetable for healing.
- Though uncommon to hold a ritual or burial service after a miscarriage, it is alright to create a memorial or burial service as a way to come to terms with the loss suffered.
- Support one another — reach out to each other.
- Prioritise body recovery: Maintain hydration, consume nutritious food, engage in gentle physical activity, and ensure adequate sleep.
- Explore a new physical hobby that brings happiness or offers emotional relief.
