KUCHING: A suicide survivor tells what went through her mind during those final moments, and what it’s like to return to the life she tried to end.
The first time Priscilla tried to kill herself was the day before her SPM examination in 2012. She was only 17 years old.
She had suffered from depression due to stress in her studies — she wanted to score her best results but could not cope.
“I tried to overdose myself with painkillers because I felt really stressful,” she said in an interview.
She said after the attempt, she called one of her closest friends. Her friend rang Priscilla’s mother, and her mother immediately rushed her to the hospital.
Since then, Priscilla has been under close observation and went through sessions of psychotherapy at Sarawak General Hospital.
In 2011, Priscilla was already under extreme stress, but was sent for tuition hoping she could improve, but failed.
Then when she entered Form 5, she started to have suicidal thoughts, and planned how to end her life.
Before her first attempt, her supportive parent after discovering that she was not her normal self, sent her to seek help from a private psychiatrist, and she was then prescribed with anti-depressants.
“That time, I could not accept the fact that I was suffering from mental illness. It was a tough time,” she said.
She showed signs of social withdrawal, didn’t want to attend school and had insomnia.
“I normally have suicidal thoughts at night, during midnight, and I would start to think a lot, and blame myself for not being good enough,” she shared.
Since the first time, she had attempted suicide five to six times, and had also done self-harm.
“The last attempt was in 2016, when I overdosed myself with anti-depressants.
“At that point, I could still feel my leg, but I couldn’t walk, I wanted to vomit but I couldn’t.
“I felt very uncomfortable and shouted, and my mother was the one who found and saved me,” she said.
Until today, she still has regular follow-ups with her psychiatrist and is under anti-depressant medication.
“I’m still struggling but I can cope better with it now. Suicide has not come to mind anymore,” she said.
Priscilla said she coped by not overthinking and keeping herself busy, doing the things she loves, spending time with her close friends, and attending church activities.
“Though my father passed away in 2015, I’m glad my mother understands me, and my friends are always there to support me emotionally,” she said.
She reminds everyone, especially parents, close ones and teachers, to be more aware of those having distress in life or sending out suicide vibes, and help them to seek help.
Priscilla holds on to one important goal now — she wants to bring hope to people, to create awareness and remind them that suicide is never the way to solve problems.
“I want those with suicidal thoughts to know that it is okay to be not okay, but please make sure to get the help that you need. There are people that still care about you and you matter. You are not alone, don’t give up!“I want to share with you a motivational quote by John Lennon. Remember, ‘Everything will be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end’,” she shared.
She also shared the meaning behind a tattoo on her right arm that she got in 2017.
“It was because I self-harmed before, and this heartbeat (ECG) tattoo serves as a reminder that I am a survivor and that life is so precious and I still want to live my life to the fullest.”
Depression (major depressive disorder) can hit anybody at any age.
It is a medical illness that can interfere with your ability to handle daily activities, such as sleeping, eating, managing homework or assignments, and affecting one’s interest in activities they normally enjoy.
According to the World Health Organisation (WHO), depression is a common illness worldwide, with more than 300 million people affected. And more women are affected by depression than men.
It could lead to serious health conditions that will lead to suicide.
