If someone doesn’t like what you bring to the table in a relationship, let them eat alone. – Karen Salmansohn, self-help book author
A close friend’s marriage is going through a rough patch. Let’s call her Azadeh. Her marriage has hardly gone through six years and her man, she claims, has been giving her hell, all because she is unable to conceive.
They both went to their family doctor who conducted several tests on them and discovered the fault lies with the hubby; he has low sperm production. However, the doctor assured the couple that the situation could reverse over time as several treatments are available for male infertility.
But his male ego got the better of Azadeh’s husband and he refused to seek any form of treatment, hoping his situation would reverse eventually.
The problem is further compounded by her mother-in-law’s constant nagging and meddling. When Azadeh explained the situation to the old lady she refused to believe her and placed the blame entirely on her daughter-in-law.
To make the situation even worse, the man’s ego prevented him from giving a true picture. Instead, he blamed his wife for his infertility and resorted to verbally abusing her now and then. At times both mother and son would join force and blame her for her “inadequacy”.
The abuse went on unabated for years, and finally an emotionally and mentally drained out Azadeh sought the help of two professional marriage counsellors, minus her hubby as he refused to follow her.
Despite several sessions, the counselling wasn’t of much help as she was always told that as a woman she had to give in to save the marriage.
Both counsellors are bad, showing bias towards one partner over the other. Worse still, they didn’t even get to talk to the husband, so they couldn’t have provided a neutral perspective.
Fortunately for my friend the counselling sessions didn’t cost a bomb.
When the so-called professional counselling didn’t help, she turned to defacto counsellors – close friends, colleagues and relatives. And were they of any help? Definitely not.
Close friends advised her to give the marriage more time and chance. Colleagues told her to encourage her husband to take another woman. And relatives said it’s “normal for couples to go through difficult times, and all will eventually turn out well!”
And if you think her mother’s advice is better, read this: “Things will turn out fine, dear. Just bear with it a little longer. He will come to his senses…You can’t afford to go through a split, our family’s image is at stake… .”
That’s the widowed mother!
I don’t know what to say, but what I can do is give a bit of advice to the so-called experts – qualified, half-baked, defacto or parttime counsellors: “Counsellors, heal thyselves!”
Paper qualifications alone don’t make you good counsellors. Advisers, therapists, mental health practitioners or whatever names they are known by, help individuals to overcome their problems and take control of their lives. People going through depression, anxiety or relationship problems need someone who can exchange information, ideas and feelings and for this to happen, there must be a high level of patient-counsellor trust and cooperation.
So, what makes a good counsellor? I can think of at least four key qualities.
One, counsellors should be empathetic, meaning they should be able to imagine what it is like to stand in the shoes of the individuals going a rough patch. This is one of the most important aspects of counselling therapy. If you don’t have this quality, stop wasting your time and switch careers.
Two, excellent communication skills is a must. Counsellors should be articulate and develop the ability to ask the right questions at the right time to obtain the necessary information to ensure the success of the therapy.
Three, and which is an important criterion, is to be an excellent listener and observer. The ability to listen and read between the lines is something a counsellor needs for effective counselling.
And finally on my list is, be respectful and non-judgmental. The counsellor should be able to connect with the person who is going through a rough patch. And to achieve that connection, a counsellor should avoid imposing his own values, attitudes, behaviours, or personal opinions.
A good marriage counsellor, for example, should step in with some workable solutions as the couple will rely on his problem-solving skills until they can solve their problems on their own.
By the way, is it a good idea for me to start a counselling corner? I might not have the qualifications, but I have gone through life challenges to offer some “sure workable” solutions or advices.
Let me try giving solutions to a few hypothetical problems. But first, for my friend which I mentioned in this column I have the following advice.
“Azadeh, please don’t waste your time putting up with your egoistic, useless, unproductive hub. The next time he hurls abusive words at you, go to the kitchen and get hold of a roller pin and whack him over the head. If he is still conscious, tell him enough is enough, and pack up your clothes and move in with your lonely widowed mum. And start looking for a new man!”
Second problem: “My boyfriend is getting difficult these days. He wants sex from me now and then and if I refuse, he threatens to leave me for good and look for another girl. I am getting fed up. What should I do? By the way, I am Lily; my beau calls me Water Lily.”
“Dear Water Lily. Nice name you’ve got there! I am planning to call my partner, ‘What-a-Lily’ too. Anyway, let’s get straight to the point. The next time he harasses you into “having that thing with him” be romantic and offer him langkau laced with sleeping pills. Wait for the right moment and take out a sharp blade and do a ‘bobbitt’. Oh! Just in case your vocabulary is limited and you’re wondering what bobbitt is all about, google up.”
Third and final problem: “I have a Mat Rempit son. He is hardly 16 and is already giving my wife and I migraine everyday. We can’t afford to have severe headaches daily as we are managing a restaurant. I have slapped him, caned him, kicked him and belted him, but he hasn’t reformed. He takes out my 250cc scrambler and races with his friends. I am worried about his safety. He is the youngest in a family of 10 siblings. Any advice, Sir?” My name is Saddam.
“Wow! You almost have the numbers for a makeshift soccer team. Congrats! Mat Rempits are a nuisance to society. They put other road users at risk. From your letter, it seems you have tried the best to change him but to no avail. You can take consolation in that ‘change’ in this country is not easy to achieve; it’s hard to change some politicians too. Tell you what Saddam, just get rid of him. Next time your boy decides to go racing, tamper with the brakes. When he doesn’t return, then you know your migraine is going to permanently go away. You and your Mrs can always find or rather make a substitute to fill the vacant slot in ‘your team of 10’.”
There you go. I leave it to you all to decide if I should switch to counselling as a career.
The views expressed here are those of the columnist and do not necessarily represent the views of New Sarawak Tribune.
