You might not be able to control all the events that happen to you, but you can choose to not be reduced by them.
– Maya Angelou, American civil rights activist
Divorce is such a taboo subject for us Asians to talk about, isn’t it? It is considered a shameful thing — a failure of something or other. And it comes down to who is to blame and why and ultimately everyone wants to get in on the gossip.
It used to be that it was always the woman’s fault — she ‘could not keep the man’. We were raised like that but I realise that in my children’s generation, that misogynist and patriarchal viewpoint has thankfully changed. Well, good for them, but unfortunately not for me when I was going through it.
In last week’s article, I talked about the affair that made me get out of a twenty-year marriage. And how this cowgirl rode out into the sunset, going on to her next journey.
These are hard things for me to talk about — I rarely do. But writing is another thing — I write better than I speak , and I realise that I SHOULD speak about taboo things like this. Because when I was going through the reeling aftershock of the affair, the unbelievable pain , anguish and despair it caused me, alongside the complete shattering of self esteem that a unforeseen betrayal contributes, I did not have anyone I could talk to.
I could not pick up a book and read my way through the confusion I was going through. I could not find someone who would so openly and bravely talk about the sheer pain of an affair and the consequences of various choices that was to be made.
In my community and circle of people I knew, people did not ‘rock the boat’. They gritted their teeth and went on. For the kids, for their parents, for society, for money, for the comfort zone, for fear of the unknown and for the fact that it would be too darn hard to start all over again from scratch.
If I knew how hard the next few years after the divorce would be, I probably may have re-considered that choice. But having waited for seven years and seeing who I have become and what I have achieved, I look back and think the divorce was a blessing given by the universe and the best gift I gave myself.
Yes, they were the hardest ever years of my entire life. Every single thing I knew melted down, and I had no anchor. I had to deal with a business I knew only half of, to manage, I had to deal with 2 kids torn by the divorce, I had to deal with relatives and friends who never stopped bringing memories back, I had to deal with huge problems the business had to deal with the sudden outing of a director, and when time was left, late at night, I had to deal with my utter loneliness in a rudderless journey.
I felt every single possible painful emotion and I nearly got destroyed by them. But as I said in Part 1 last week, this cowgirl kept riding through the sunset and step by step, trotted out of it.
And before her, stood glorious mysterious mountains of huge promise and opportunity. She saw the bluest brilliant skies and sun shining so majestically through them, with bountiful flowers in multitudes of colour. The green seas richly teeming with life and birds and beasts of every kind running free in a land of milk and honey. She looked back and wondered at the barren land behind her and wondered what she was actually fighting for.
Ironically I realise that today was my former wedding anniversary day. I spent the day cooking up a storm — me who never thought I could cook before.
I am in a country half way around the world building a house from scratch, driving a manual 4-wheel drive over streams, rivers and dirt roads. I am loved by an incredible man who adores me. I have a business that keeps getting better.
You always get to write your own endings by trusting your instincts. My instinct was to trust myself above all else. To trust that God believes in me and everything that was happening was not a curse or a punishment, but rather a detour to discover who I really am and all that I am capable of.
I would not have been able to do that in my previous avatar, where a timid I was constantly second guessing every action of mine.
And so we come to realise that we never lose. We either win or we learn. And what I learnt, changed the course of my future. As I untangle myself from an old life, I open myself up to various permutations of a new life.
And I choose them all.
The views expressed here are those of the columnist and do not necessarily represent the views of New Sarawak Tribune. Feedback can reach the writer at beatrice@ibrasiagroup.com
