There is no doubt that it is around the family and the home that all the greatest virtues … are created, strengthened and maintained.
– Winston Churchill
Last Sunday marked Mother’s Day, a day when we honour our mums for their superhero-like qualities. Simultaneously, it is a day when many long to be celebrated themselves.
Look around you — how many of your peers are parents today, and how many are still trying to have children? Well, it is a blessing for those who have started their families after marriage; however, this isn’t the reality for everyone. Take South Korea as an example. For years, South Korea has had one of the world’s lowest fertility rates, and last year, it dropped to an all-time low. In Malaysia, the fertility rate has decreased rapidly over the past 50 years, from 6.7 children per woman in 1957 to four in 1980, three in 2000, and 2.1 in 2010. Last year, the rate dropped to 1.6 children per woman aged 15-49.
This situation is indeed concerning. I recently had the opportunity to join a session with Professor Dr. Alan Trounson, a member of Alpha IVF Group’s International Scientific Board. He shared that various factors contribute to low fertility rates, including delayed marriage, later childbearing age, and lifestyle changes. Increased stress and sedentary lifestyles have also been linked to declining fertility rates.
Over the years, Dr. Trounson has consistently advocated for couples to start their families in their mid-twenties or, at the latest, their early thirties. However, the sad truth is that this ideal scenario may not be feasible today. With the rising cost of living and inflation, both partners often need to work to make ends meet. Consequently, family planning gets delayed.
Starting a family is not a decision made solely by the husband or wife; it is a partnership. Just as clapping requires both hands, family planning involves both parents and demands commitment, time, and effort.
Hence, the key lies in communicating your feelings to your partner. As a communication specialist and strategist, I can’t stress enough the importance of effective communication. Without it, you would remain in the dark about each other’s thoughts and feelings. Even worse, blame games can emerge within couples if unexpected circumstances, such as infertility, arise.
So, how does one communicate feelings?
Let me introduce you to the ‘ABC’ approach, which I often share with many young couples. Imagine it as a friendly game of catch in a field. Before you begin with ABC, always remember to first make a ‘deposit’ by expressing gratitude to one another. After that, you may proceed with ABC:
A: Serve The Ball — The husband serves the ball (message) to his wife, starting with ‘I’ statements to express his feelings without blame or judgment. For example, he might say, “I felt hurt when you did not seem to care about having kids.”
B: Catch The Ball — After the wife catches the ball, she needs to verify the kind of ball she has caught before throwing it back to her husband. She might say, “I caught a white volleyball. Is this the one you threw to me?” This step ensures clarity and prevents misunderstandings.
C: Confirmation — When the husband receives the message from his wife and confirms that the ball she returned is indeed the white volleyball he served, he should say, “Yes, that is the correct volleyball I served you.” He can then provide more context about the incident and specify the feelings he experienced at that time.
During the ABC approach, both parties should commit to participating in the conversation and listen attentively. After the conversation ends, say these three magic words: “I love you.” Trust me, those words can make a world of difference. This underscores the importance of the husband-wife relationship, where feelings must be addressed — even when discussing serious or weighty matters.
In the case of wanting a child, persistence is key. If you have been trying for a year without success, consider seeking professional help. Understanding the causes of infertility, available treatments, and various approaches can make a significant difference.
During my sessions with Dr. Trounson, I had the privilege of sitting alongside Dato Dr. Colin Lee, the Founder and Managing Director of Alpha IVF Group. Together, they shared insights into the remarkable advancements in technology and science that have transformed the landscape of fertility treatments. These innovations offer hope and possibilities to couples striving to realise their dream of parenthood. Some of these cutting-edge innovations and techniques include IVF (in-vitro fertilisation), egg and embryo freezing, and yes, even the use of artificial intelligence (AI). One treatment that caught my attention was preimplantation genetic testing (PGT), which identifies embryos that are chromosomally normal and free from genetic disorders, thereby reducing the risk of having babies with genetic abnormalities.
Now you see, when couples come together, seemingly impossible goals, like conceiving a baby, become achievable. Remember, every couple’s parenthood journey is unique. Instead of playing the blame game, have honest communication with your partner and use the ‘ABC’ approach. Who knows? Next year, you might be celebrating Mother’s Day.
