I have here not one story but a few short ones gathered from individuals that I came to know over the years on the sidelines of going about my journalistic jobs. They’re like pieces of a quilt, showing us different sides of love, heartbreak, and moving on. Each one gives us a peek into how folks deal with the aftermath of relationships. From the hurt of seeing your ex get married to trying to find closure or dealing with leftover feelings, these tales cover the ups and downs of love. As we peek into these personal stories, we’re reminded that healing takes time and letting go isn’t easy — it takes guts and looking inward.
Chelsea Ingka: How can I stop loving someone?
Mine is a challenging journey, and I know it’s different for everyone. I’m trying to acknowledge my feelings and give myself time to process them. Is it okay to feel this way? People say falling in and out of love is a part of life.
At the moment, I am creating some distance from my ex, which includes avoiding places where I might run into him.
It’s hard, so I’m trying to focus on myself – investing time and energy into activities and hobbies that make me happy and fulfilled. Hopefully, this can help shift my focus away from the person I’m trying to stop loving.
As for seeking support, well … no, not likely. I will deal with this alone no matter how long it takes.
What about the pain? Ouch! Sometimes it feels like a dull ache, sometimes a deep sadness, or even physical discomfort. That’s why I am trying to be gentle with myself during this process. It’s tough, probably because I am not the crying type. Damn! But I’ll get better. I swear!
Ahmei: Ex-boyfriend married someone else; how to move on?
It’s a tough situation because I’m in deep pain. Yet I need to feel the pain for a time because I want to know what I am dealing with so that in the future I won’t be able to deny that there is such a thing. After that is over, I will move forward because I must.
He’s married now, and there’s nothing I can do to change that. Accepting that he’s moved on and didn’t reciprocate my feelings is crucial.
I understand how unjustly I was treated, but dwelling forever on this pain isn’t productive. He’s shown himself to be self-centred, and I deserve better.
Although the journey ahead won’t be easy, it’s necessary. I don’t want to give him the power to dictate my happiness. I will prioritise loving myself.
Life keeps moving, and so should I. From here on, I will surround myself with supportive loved ones who can uplift me.
Ultimately, the healing process lies in my hands. I will take small steps towards healing, knowing they bring me closer to overcoming this challenge.
Tan Tomy: I’m still deeply in love with my ex-girlfriend. I asked her for closure, but she refused. What steps should I take?
I have been pondering this a lot and have concluded that closure is elusive. I have decided that it is best to discard the notion.
Figuratively, it’s as if someone had poked my heart with a knife, making me bleed profusely. If I don’t face my emotions head-on, I will die. I acknowledge the pain, but up to what degree? And for how long? I don’t want the pain to define me as I want to move forward, if not now, eventually.
I read somewhere some time ago that the power of one’s memories lies in how much significance one attributes to them. While I may still harbour feelings, she has moved on. It’s time to let go of wishful thinking.
I understand that I am not the first and the only person who has experienced heartbreak. It is a universal human experience.
My heart is broken, but my plans remain. I will see them through. In that way, life continues. Despite my pain, I will embrace the journey ahead.
Usup Dulah: Despite being married, I still have lingering feelings for my ex-girlfriend. How can I address this dilemma?
My online group explains this dilemma better than I can. So here goes:
Often, what we label as “love” may not be true love but an idealised concept in our minds — a sort of infatuation with the idea of love itself.
In this ideal scenario, we construct a flawless image of the other person and revel in the joy it brings, disregarding that it exists only in our imagination and not in reality.
It is suggested that I need to introspect and make sure that I am not simply comparing the disappointments of my less-than-ideal marriage to an idealised romantic notion, with my ex-girlfriend serving as the embodiment of that ideal.
This is a common struggle, and I’m sure others know what I’m talking about, having had their share of similar experiences.
Endak Duli: How do you know when you’ve moved on from your ex?
I once read that the opposite of love isn’t hate; it’s indifference. Well, I no longer care at all. That’s how I know I’ve truly moved on.
When I hear conversations about my ex, they don’t bother me anymore. Nor do they pique my curiosity. I am at ease with the topic and don’t overreact.
I no longer avoid the places where we used to spend time together. They hold no emotional weight for me now.
Even if those places do remind me of my ex, it’s only for a brief moment. I’m ready to create new memories and enjoy myself.
I’ve accepted that we are both separate individuals leading different lives. The longing for his presence has faded.
I find joy in the company of friends and others just as much as I did with my ex. Happiness is within my control.
I’m content with my current situation and have no desire to return to the past.
Important days and events no longer trigger thoughts of my ex. I genuinely wish him well, acknowledging the shared past with respect.
Marin Kamil: Missing an Ex After Years
Amidst my pain and bitterness, I have learned that it’s common to suddenly miss an ex who broke your heart, even years later. But it’s not necessarily them you miss, but rather the memories of what you shared and who they used to be. People change and move on; life is always evolving.
The person you knew when you were together and the person they’ve become may be vastly different, as a lot can happen in just a year.
You miss the attachment and the moments of happiness, but it’s crucial to remember that the same person who brings back fond memories also caused you pain.
If the memories were solely positive, you likely wouldn’t have ended the relationship in the first place or managed to live without them for so long.
It’s important to let go and acknowledge that it’s normal to feel this way, especially if they were once your significant source of happiness, and you haven’t found someone new who brings you the same joy.
What to make of these stories
I hope you have some takeaways from the stories that you’ve just read. At the top of my list is that healing takes time and patience. It’s normal to feel pain, sadness, or longing, but it’s important to allow oneself the necessary time to heal.
Then there’s the letting-go part, which is a crucial step in moving forward. It involves accepting that the other person has moved on and acknowledging that dwelling on the pain isn’t productive.
Taking care of oneself during the healing process is also vital. Engaging in activities, hobbies, and spending time with supportive loved ones helps shift the focus away from the pain and promotes personal well-being. Loving oneself and investing in personal growth are important aspects of moving on.
Seeking closure is a common desire after a breakup, but it’s not always attainable. Closure might not be necessary for healing and moving forward. Instead, individuals can choose to redefine their perspectives and focus on their own journeys.
It’s normal to miss an ex or feel nostalgic about the past, but it’s important to recognise that the memories may not reflect the reality of the present. People change, relationships evolve, and it’s crucial to acknowledge the pain associated with the past and the reasons why the relationship ended.
Finally, growth and resilience come from pain, that is, heartbreak and pain can be transformative. Over time, the pain can shape individuals into stronger, more resilient individuals who are better equipped to find healthy and supportive love in the future.
‘The greatest healing therapy is friendship and love.’ – Hubert H Humphrey (1911 – 1978), an American politician who served as the 38th Vice President of the United States from 1965 to 1969.
The views expressed here are those of the writer and do not necessarily represent the views of the New Sarawak Tribune.
