I often wonder whether men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then
Katharine Hepburn, American actress
A childhood friend of mine just got engaged over the weekend. He is one of the many childhood, school and university friends whose engagements and weddings I have attended over the past few years.
During these occasions, I have encountered the million-dollar question “when are you getting married?” countless times. Trust me, I sound like a broken record providing the cliche “Insha’Allah (God willing), soon” or the irritated “I don’t know” response.
I personally think that people should instead ask me “are you ready to settle down?” or “have you found the right one?”.
So, how exactly do you know if you are ready to settle down?
One of my aunts once told me I should only think about settling down if I have no less than RM30,000 in savings because financial independence is crucial. Her argument was in case things don’t work out, at least I would be able to look after myself and my children, if any, while sorting things out.
Another aunt told me it should be before I turn 30 because women have a biological clock that affects their ability to conceive children. She reasoned that there are higher risks of complications during pregnancy at an older age.
The funny thing is, I have never heard such questions or conditions posed by a male relative. I wonder why?
Mind you, I am turning 26 soon – a socially acceptable age to get married – and as of this year, I do not plan on settling down yet.
Back in the olden days, unmarried women my age would be labeled as spinsters. In many traditional societies including those in Europe and America, it was common for women to marry in their mid-teens or early twenties. Some of the reasons include economic benefits, cultural and religious beliefs, or due to limited opportunities.
Times have changed, such reasons may not be as common nor valid anymore. Women are now more independent, and career-driven that they can take care of themselves. I know a few successful career women who are not married, but they are happy and contented with their single life.
To fulfill their maternal instinct of becoming a mother, some of them even opt for adoption. In Malaysia, even if you are not married there is no restriction for a single parent to apply to be an adoptive father or mother.
Of course, when I was in my early twenties, I had expectations of myself like getting married by the age of 25 and having two children by the age of 28. Sometimes when I look back, I laugh at the unrealistic goals that I had set with regards to my future.
Among the engaged or married couples that I know, there are a few who have decided to go their separate ways. This is something that I find terrifying.
I remember one of my university lecturers once told the class: “It is equally expensive to get married and to file for a divorce.” She also said: “Couples get married for happiness, and couples get divorced for happiness.”
These statements have stuck with me since I first heard them. As a Muslim, of course I believe how your soulmate has been determined by Allah.
However, it is still scary and heartbreaking to witness a happy couple become mortal nemesis after less than five years of marriage. I cannot imagine what goes on behind the scenes that would lead to the bitter decision to separate.
I think the most important thing that young people like myself need to understand and remember is that you cannot compare your life’s timeline and milestone achievements with others.
Yes, it is easy to feel pressured when you are surrounded by friends and colleagues who are getting married, expecting a child, or bringing their cute bundle of joy to gatherings. I get this feeling all the time too, but I always remind myself it is okay that I don’t have a husband or a child yet.
Comparisons are a normal part of human cognition, and it can be good for the self-improvement process. When we compare ourselves to others, we get information about what we want, where we want to be, and from this we get valuable feedback on how we should measure up. However, excessive comparisons can cause us psychological pains whereby it can lead to the feeling of insecurities and low self-esteem.
For this, I completely agree with an American writer, poet and attorney Max Ehrmann who said this: “If you compare yourself to others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.”
