Being a mother is no easy feat. There will always be the psychological and physiological aspect that tires a mother at the end of the day. But for the majority of mothers around the world, their children become the motivation to soldier on.
The same goes for a 41-year-old mother of five sons, Des Wee. Becoming a mother at 26 years old, Wee shared that she had always loved children. “However, loving children and having your own is so different. You are now responsible for this human being that you and your partner created.”
Wee said she initially had planned for only three children. Instead, she became pregnant again two years after her third child.
“When the pregnancy test kit turned positive, I broke down and cried. I felt trapped as I already had three boys. Nevertheless, I treated the fourth one as another pregnancy,” she recalled.
Going through bouts of vomiting and fatigue, Wee said she felt terrible, unlike in her previous pregnancies. “I searched on Google on why I was experiencing all this. There were possibilities of me having twins, or was pregnant with a girl. After three boys, I was hoping for a girl.”
On her second scan at the obstetrics and gynaecology (OBGYN) clinic, Wee was told that she was carrying two embryos — “They were identical due to sharing one sack and one placenta. This was the reason behind my extreme nausea. I immediately looked up and said to the Almighty, ‘Are you kidding me?’.”
With a new life ahead, Wee learned to accept her fate. “After reading more about carrying twins, I found out that identical twins were considered high-risk pregnancies as there was a chance that one might not survive. All the negative emotions I had were gone. I didn’t care for the gender, all I wanted was for them to be born safely.”
Life with twins
When Wee had her twins, she already had three children. And the experiences she had learned beforehand had prepared her to handle the twins. “I shut off all well-intended advice and found ways that worked well for me. I wanted to sleep. I didn’t want to carry two crying babies at night.”
“Honestly, I was prepared for the worse but I felt very blessed that they were much easier to handle compared to my single babies. But once they hit their toddler years it was very challenging and tough,” added the homemaker.
Wee recalled a time when her twins were toddlers, working together in a bid to cause their mother a headache. “They had their own secret signals to exchange toys. There was even a time when they worked together to open locked cabinet doors.”
Although twins, she said her now seven-year-old boys had different personalities and identities. “The elder twin is more obliging and wants to please. Whereas, the second twin is very cunning and funny. If he wants something, he will nag you until you give in.”
Reminiscing a time when they were three, Wee shared a story of how smart her younger twin could be. “He wanted to watch the television. But I told him he could only do so after he finished keeping his toys. So, he went to look for his twin and said that I asked him to keep the toys,” she said.
Unbeknownst to the older twin, the younger twin waited on the sofa while watching his brother clear the toys. “When everything was done, he came to look for me. Fortunately, I saw everything. I let the twin who kept the toys to watch what he wanted. While the other one should not demand.”
Sharing further, Wee said that with twins, they were both each other’s company. “They learned to self soothe. Between the ages of seven and 11 months, they got ready for bed at 6pm. After dinner and bath, I would put them to bed. Afterwards, I would handle my three older children until 8pm. Especially the eldest two in their school work.”
A regular routine as babies, the twins would wake up at 9pm for their milk. “After that, they would wake up every three hours for their milk, and back to sleep until 7am.”
Initially, Wee had fed them one by one. However, it was too tiring. “So I put them on a nursing pillow and bottle-fed them at the same time. When they ate solid, they were fed simultaneously on a high chair.”
Life as a mother
While jobs at companies have annual leaves and off days, there isn’t one for mummies. Throughout her life as a mother, the job goes on and it does not stop. A mother will always be a mother. Wee, who has dedicated 15 years of her life to being a mother to her sons, conceded that she had not had a good sleep since her firstborn.
“I never got enough sleep. But I just needed a stretch of uninterrupted sleep for four hours, then I could be alright. Though during the day, I do snatch a nap. I have a lazy chair in the dry kitchen. I called it my charging port, and I can just lie for 10 to 30 minutes to get energised.”
Even then, Wee conceded that everything she had been through was worth it. “The best memories I had were when they were small and cuddly. And the sweet smell of them as babies.”
Throughout her time as a mother — she has had numerous challenges along the way. Among the many, Wee said there was one period when she had lost her self esteem. “I felt that I am only identified as the child’s mother.”
Though she had lost herself while being a ‘mother’, Wee said what helped her regain her self-confidence when she was diagnosed with breast cancer. “The fight to live changed my perspective.”
A mother’s battle
When she received the news of her diagnosis in October 2018, Wee recalled feeling worried and terrified. “My first thought was how will my husband handle five children? I felt like I had a ‘best before date’ on me.”
What kept her strong was her family. “I had to get well for their sake and mine. With that many children, there was no time to wallow in endless misery. I still had to take care of my children on my good days.”
Having gone through a mastectomy the following month, Wee said she felt blessed and thankful for strong family support, especially from her parents-in-law. “They took over the care of the children every time I went for treatment. It was tough for my children, especially when I was away from them for almost a month for my surgery and first chemotherapy.”
After her fifth chemotherapy cycle, Wee said one of the twins fell sick with H1N1. “Even though immunocompromised, I took turns to take care of him with my husband. We had our face masks and hand sanitisers with us.”
Elaborating further, Wee said cancer did not only affect the patients, but also the family members. “When I started my cancer treatment, the twins had just entered their first year in kindergarten. I got to meet their teacher a few months later. She observed their behaviour was different from their classmates.”
She said the teacher explained that the twins were more mature than their peers, possibly due to her time away from treatments.
Wee, who is the current assistant secretary of the Society for Cancer Advocacy and Awareness Kuching (SCAN), said SCAN had helped her break away from the homemaker’s shell.
With an ongoing adventure as a mother, the homemaker said that her cheerful and happy self was the result of a collective journey throughout. “There will be downtimes, tiring and exhausting days, but always find your charger. I try to find humour in my daily life. I laugh at my silliness or my kids’ antics. It keeps my days brighter and a little less tired.”
