AFTER “gophering” and “ghostlighting”, the term “stonewalling” is increasingly being used in the dating world. It literally translates as putting up a stone wall between you and your partner to avoid any form of dialogue.
And, as you can imagine, by ignoring your partner, you end up hurting their feelings.
It then becomes difficult to communicate and maintain harmony within the couple. How can you recognise the signs of stonewalling in your relationship?
First, there is the so-called silent treatment. You try to communicate with your partner about your daily life, but they refuse to speak to you, or fail to engage.
Stonewalling can also involve facial expressions, like someone rolling their eyes or giving you certain looks.
It can take the form of physical avoidance too, such as moving to another room when you come in.
On top of this, there are no demonstrations of affection or small thoughtful gestures.
While the silence is usually broken and the couple reconcile, this toxic habit can cause damage that can even lead to a breakup in the long term.
According to American psychologist John Gottman, a professor of psychology specialising in couples and relationships, stonewalling can be a contributing factor for breakups.
In fact, stonewalling is one of the so-called Four Horsemen (criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling) that can be seen as the warning signs for divorce.
Based on his own research, the expert reports that some 85 per cent of people who adopt this defence mechanism are men. “Men are consistently more likely to stonewall than women.
They will withdraw emotionally from conflict discussions while women remain emotionally engaged,” explains The Gottman Institute in a blog post.
However, “when women stonewall, it is quite predictive of divorce.”
For psychologist Johanna Rozenblum, interviewed by Doctissimo, this silent punishment leaves its mark on the couple:
“Remaining silent has never proven fruitful, either for the person concerned, who will ruminate and dwell on their emotions, which will increase the anger, or for the relationship, because silence acts like a time bomb.
The more you let things build up, the less you will be able to hold out over time.
But above all, remaining silent prevents you from finding a mutual solution that takes into account the feelings of both parties.”
If your partner frequently uses this tactic, it is essential to take some time to reflect.
First, ask yourself why your partner does this. Is it a lack of affection, or is it anger?
Then, start a conversation in which you make them understand that their behaviour is having an impact and hurting you.
Choose a quiet time to talk. And above all, avoid late-night conversations, as fatigue can affect concentration.
But if you adopt this silent attitude yourself, you need to express your emotions and ask for time to think before engaging in a real discussion.
And when you are ready, share your feelings in a calm and respectful way, to start a constructive conversation.
You will find that breaking the silence has more benefits than maintaining the silent treatment. – ETXDailyUp
