Men are gonna come along
– Alice telling her nine-year-old daughter, the to-be Chess Grandmaster in The Queen’s Gambit
And wanna teach you things,
Doesn’t make them smarter.
In most ways they’re not.
But it makes them feel bigger.
It takes a strong woman
To stay by herself
In a world where people will settle for anything
Just to say they have something.
So never forget who you are.
Growing up, people were just people. Some were nice, some were nasty, some were rude and some were scary.
I realised much later on in my life how important it was to read the psychology of what lies behind the facade and to understand how manipulative people can be, especially in a relationship. And why they are like that. It’s not all malicious or intentional. It’s a slow reaction to suppressed trauma that happens when you are very young.
I don’t think people are born narcissistic – people become that after being conditioned by narcissistic parents, or due to abuse they experience growing up or catastrophic situations that triggers a switch which makes them start becoming manipulative to get their way.
Individuals with narcissistic personality are preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love, they have exaggerated feelings of self-importance, an excessive craving for admiration, and a diminished ability to empathise with others’ feelings.
A sense of personal superiority may lead them to monopolise conversations, look down on others or to become impatient and disdainful when other persons talk about themselves.
They encourage you to make decisions for yourself in their favour without you realising that you are doing so.
You get so caught up in admiration of their strength, wisdom and perceived intelligence never realising that they are sucking most of this from you, and reflecting it back to you.
Narcissistic people need the victim, the victim never needs the narcissistic person. The victim is actually the source of strength and energy for them.
Narcissistic personalities are sensitive to perceived criticism or defeat, to feelings of shame, humiliation, and worthlessness over minor incidents of daily life and imagined, personal slights, and usually mask such feelings from people, by feigning humility, responding with outbursts of rage and defiance, or seeking revenge.
The narcissist’s victims would start blaming themselves for ‘triggering’ the narcissist, who would keep layering the guilt by showing the victims the error of their ways – that they were not open enough, accepting enough, loving enough and embracing enough to all that was dear to the narcissist.
The victims get caught in a vicious circle trying desperately to be someone they weren’t. Constantly validating oneself through other people’s eyes is a nightmare, and it chips away at your core essence until you no longer know who you are.
Although overconfidence makes narcissistic people very ambitious, such a mindset does not necessarily lead to professional high achievement and success, because they refuse to take risks, in order to avoid failure or the appearance of failure.
The psychological inability to tolerate disagreement, contradiction, and criticism, makes it difficult for them to work cooperatively or to maintain long-term, professional relationships with superiors and colleagues.
It is only when you get out of a narcissistic relationship, do you realise your worth. Standing on your own two feet, owning your own space in the big world, realising you could have done it on your own all along.
Understanding narcissism helped me heal from a marriage that failed me. It took away the years of guilt, regret and fear and replaced all of that with self-love and I write this for anyone else who might need to read this. Because this could change your life.
Very often the victim forgets his/her worth and gets buried under the gaslighting.
I did not like who I was in the marriage, neither was I confident about what I had achieved. I believed that I was all that I was because he gave me that confidence, something he constantly reminded me.
I worked hard, I tried to be many things but I realise now it was not a battle I could win. Because nothing was going to be enough.
The pain caused by the disrespect of the things they do to you without remorse and the multitude of smooth never ending lies finally made me realise with a shudder the other core of the narcissist – lack of empathy – they recognise what they are doing is wrong, they just don’t care or they justify it to themselves, because it benefits them. They give you a cage, and you willingly walk in and lock yourself in, and admire the gold-plated bars.
Until one day I woke up and got out.
The views expressed here are those of the columnist and do not necessarily represent the views of New Sarawak Tribune. Feedback can reach the writer at beatrice@ibrasiagroup.com
